The Most Toxic Emotion
When we think about painful experiences in life, things like the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of all our possessions through a hurricane, divorce, and ill health may come to mind. These can create tremendous suffering. However, these are life events that come and go. We generally go through the normal stages of grief and hurt, but there’s an opportunity to move on.
In my practice, the most painful human experience is the feeling of shame. It’s so deeply distressing that most of us spend our lives orchestrating our behaviours, time, careers, social interactions, relationships, and activities around making sure we never experience the feeling of shame within us.
We accumulate wealth, climb the ladder of success, spend fortunes on our weight and looks to make sure we don’t get judged, humiliated, or rejected. We work tirelessly to prove to the world, we’re okay, we did things right, and we’re good enough.
Shame comes from the voice of our inner critic that likes to remind us that ‘we’re bad and we’ve done something wrong.’ Shame is a feeling that originates from thoughts such as. we are flawed, unworthy, undeserving, unlovable, and just never good enough.
In his opening chapter of Love without Conditions, Paul Ferrini, one of my favourite authors, describes shame in this way: “There is no one else who is as hard on you as you are. Like all your brothers and sisters, you suffer from a basic sense of inadequacy and unworthiness. You feel that you have made terrible mistakes which will sooner or later be punished by humans in authority or by some abstract, spiritual authority, like God or karmic law. These unresolved issues of self-worth are the conditions of your embodiment. In other words, you are here to work them out.”
Brene Brown, who has written extensively on the topic of shame, speaks of shame in women as this web of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations about who we’re supposed to be as a woman, while in men, shame typically revolves around the need to not be seen as weak.
Shame is a destructive emotion. Behind every single issue that people struggle with, at the core I have found shame and fear. Shame fuels ALL addictions, eating disorders, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide…everything that is self-destructive and painful. It is at the root of all anxieties, because anxiety gets triggered by the fear that we are bad. Sadly, shame rules the majority of people’s lives. I would even go as far as saying that shame is so painful, that some people would rather die than experience these feelings.
Shame is not to be confused with guilt. Shame is a focus on self while guilt is a focus on behaviour. Shame says: “I am bad,” while guilt says: “I did something bad.” Guilt is helpful, shame is toxic.
Faced with difficult situations we have only two options. If we get hijacked by shame, then our will is paralyzed, which in turn inhibits our ability to learn from the experiences we encounter. If we don’t get stuck in shame, then we can take responsibility and be accountable for our actions, without the self-criticism. We can appreciate the fact that all circumstances are here as lessons to help us grow.
So how do we overcome shame? In my experience, there are a few components.
First, we need to find the shame within us, which is not always easy because we are masters at hiding it. One way to do this is to recognize that everything we think about, say, or do, to another person reflects back to us and what we think about ourselves. Every negative thought of others or verbal abuse toward others is a mirror for our own shame-based beliefs and self-judgment.
Beneath the mask of mismanaged anger and violence is always the child who believes they are unlovable and unworthy. In the same way that we as individuals repress our negative tendencies, society denies and institutionalizes the problems it does not want to face. So first, we must acknowledge the truth in ourselves. Paul Ferrini wrote, “everyone lives in a prison of reactivity until the wound is made conscious.”
Secondly, we need to work on our response to the shame we feel inside. Brene Brown suggests that empathy is the antidote to shame. I would like to argue that humility is the antidote. Humility accepts our frailties, our weaknesses, drops the pride, and stops pointing the finger out there. As long as we can’t see and admit that we ourselves have done harm as a result of our shame, and feel remorse, we can’t be humble.
Humility acknowledges all the ways that we’ve behaved in order to hide our shame and how those behaviours may have harmed others. Humility says, “I’m sorry I did this to myself and to another.” The most humbling experience is to be able to touch our shame with an understanding heart. That helps us realize that all of us suffer in the same way, to different degrees, and that we are united by this common human experience.
Finally, when we are stuck in the cycle of shame, we blame or shame others and become mean and indifferent. When we do harm to others, we do harm to ourselves. Each time we act based on shame, we perpetuate our own shame. The great commandment, ‘love Thy neighbour as Thyself’ is possibly the most profound psychological advice that was ever suggested, because it recognizes that every time I hurt another, I hurt myself and that to learn to love others is to learn to love myself.
When we punish ourselves for our mistakes just like we punish the criminals in society we simply reinforce rejection. Judgment and attack must be replaced by mercy and forgiveness. That’s why all moral rules of conducts established by all the different spiritual traditions are meant to help us feel good about ourselves rather than feel shame.
We might not always be responsible for what people do to us, but we are always responsible for whether we agree to learn the lesson inherent in the experience. The tendency is to try to change the situation, to blame the other person or to feel sorry for ourselves and see ourselves as victims.
Spiritual wisdom says that everything that happens to us is always for our highest good. I can vouch for that in my life. Every painful and difficult experience of my life has served as the stepping stone to usher me into the next stage of my personal and spiritual unfoldment, because I accepted that was its purpose.
Don’t kid yourself that you will be able to overcome your shame by getting a university degree, by losing weight, or by getting that promotion you wanted. The only way to conquer your shame will be through your own inner source of mercy and understanding. Nobody else can do it for you.
Healing is not only possible, but also necessary.
One of the most powerful ways to begin this healing journey and face our shame is through counselling, not only because it acts as a supportive relationship, but because we as counsellors have strategies to help you transform and overcome your shame.